Eulogy for Dad (given May 10, 2018):
This day is a sad day. I know my dad wouldn’t want any of us to be sad, but we can’t help it. He was someone that each and every one of us will miss, and it’s not fair that he’s gone. I’ve been trying to think “what would my dad say to me if he were here”. And I’ve decided that he’d tell me I was going be ok. Because that’s what he always said me, because he truly believed it. He believed in me, even when, especially when I didn’t. There’s a photo of me and my dad from when I was 7 that I didn’t include in the slideshow, because it just looks like we’re swimming in a lake. But what you can’t tell from that photo is that we’d just jumped off a huge cliff. My dad went first and while I was really excited and definitely wanted to do it, I was scared. I remember him shouting up to me that I’d be fine and that it was really fun. So, I jumped, and he was right, I was fine, and it was really fun. I will miss that trust and security he provided for me in my life. He was always there. If I called him, he always answered.
There are so many other things I will miss about my dad, some I probably haven’t even thought of yet. We loved to go for drives, we had some of our best conversations on drives around the city. We also loved to cook together. He always let me pick the recipes because he liked just about everything. He was like that with a lot of things actually. He wasn’t the type to have a favourite of something, he tended to have a lot of them. I’ll miss his guidance. I know there will be many things I will wish I could talk to him about. He knew me so well and knew how to talk me through something. I’ll miss the summer vacations we used to take, whether to a cottage in the Kawartha’s or to Shediac, New Brunswick, we always had a good time. Someone else who I know will miss Dad in the same way I do, is my sister Erin. Dad was one of the most important people in her world and I know she feels the loss just as much as I do, she just shows it differently. She was his delightfully relentless girl and he loved her very much. And that is what I think Erin and I will miss the most about or dad, his love. It’s something neither of us ever doubted for a single second of our lives.
My Dad loved being from Hudson, Quebec and when we went there 2 summers ago on our way home from New Brunswick, I loved hearing all his stories. Nights hanging out with friends at the Chateau and the Willow. Driving around with his childhood friends the Bull twins in the Sunbeam Alpine that was passed down from between brothers. Playing golf at Whitlock, followed by a swim in the pool at home on Birch Hill. Even the summer that Grandpa Bob had Dad and his friends install solar panels on the roof to heat the pool, was a happy memory. On that same trip we also visited his sister Nancy. And as you may or may not know, Nancy lives close to Stanstead College where my dad went from grades 8 to 11. He had such fond memories of those days too. First living in Bugbee House during grades 8 and 9. Then Davis House for his remaining years, eventually becoming a prefect in grade 11, despite missing the first 4 weeks of school due to mono. Dad loved being one of the “old boys” and always tried to get to as many reunions as he could.
In 1976 at the age of 19 my dad didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life. His brother Jack encouraged him to come to Toronto. Jack was teaching at Ryerson University and so Dad decided to enroll in their Applied Geography program. Four years later, he graduated with a BAA and Ryerson’s highest student honour, The Gold Medal. And at the graduation ceremony, his big brother Jack got to give him his diploma.
My dad was a devoted husband to my amazing mother. I always loved to hear the story of how they met and fell in love. You see they knew OF each other before they’d even met. In 1980 they were both up for the same job with the Ontario Government, and my mum got it. Dad instead got a contract job. Months later, in the fall, they finally officially met at a United Way charity bowling tournament, where they were put on the same team. That winter they spent time getting to know each other, they would “find reasons” to go to each other’s floors or meet in the library. They started dating in the spring and then my dad was off to get his MBA at the University of Western Ontario in the fall. My mum would go visit him on the weekends, and it was on one of these visits, just before he had to go take an exam, that he proposed. They were married a two years later in 1984 and would have celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary this past Saturday.
Soon after their honeymoon, armed with his degree in Applied Geography and his MBA, my dad got a job working for Loblaws. His career took him into corporate real estate, which he loved. Finally, he had found what he wanted to do. He has enjoyed all the places he has worked but none more than working for the GTA YMCA. Putting his skills to work for the good of others and not for the profit of a company made him very happy.
Four years after getting married my parents decided to start a family. First came Erin on 8/8/88 and 16 months later, the day before his 33rd birthday, I was born.
My parents were a team in everything they did. All of you here will know that my sister Erin has special needs. When this became apparent when she was 3 years old, my mum was worried, but my dad said, “Don’t worry Carol, we’ll figure it out”. And that is exactly what they did. My dad threw himself into finding out all he could about what was available for her, because making sure Erin had a good quality of life and being her advocate, was so important to him. He became an active member of Community Living Toronto, eventually becoming the President of the Board of Directors from 2013-2015. And just a week before he died, Erin accepted, on dad’s behalf, their Jim Turner Award for Outstanding Volunteerism. Also, he and my mum, along with a number of other parents with special needs children founded the West Toronto KEYS to INclusion. They have now been operating for 7 years, providing programs 5 days a week for about 20 adults with developmental disabilities like Erin.
A year ago, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, none of us knew it would all happen so quickly. My parents had a saying that they got from the doctor. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And for a really long time we had a lot of hope. Even in March, when things started to take a turn for the worse, there was still hope for more time. Only in the last 2 weeks of my dad’s life did we know for certain that the end was near. So, I began to sit up all night with him. Which is something many people have been remarking on. Saying how great it was that I could do that, but honestly, I’m a night owl, so it really wasn’t a sacrifice. The person who truly sacrificed and has been wonderful through all this, is my mum. The level of care she was able to provide for my dad is not something many people would be able to do, I certainly couldn’t. I’ve always admired her, but through this, she amazed me.
While sitting with my dad during those last several days of his life, holding his hand, I noticed that even though it had gotten a lot skinnier, the skin of his palms still felt the same. Our lives had gone through so many massive changes over the past year, but it was so comforting to know that some things always remain.
After he died, the first thing Erin said, captures my thoughts exactly. Dad, I love you and I miss you, and you’re always in my heart. My mum found this poem, by an unknown author that fits perfectly what we know Dad would want for the 3 of us.
Feel no guilt in laughter, he’d know how much you care
Feel no sorrow in a smile, that he is not here to share
You cannot grieve forever, he would not want you to
He’d hope that you could carry on, the way you always do
So talk about the good times, and the way you showed you cared
The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared
Let memories surround you, a word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, or a day
That brings him back as clearly, as though he were still here
And fills you with the feeling, that he is always near
For if you keep those moments, you will never be apart
And he will live forever locked, safely within your heart
