Eulogy for Anne Nelimarkka
(by Ed Nelimarkka, her son)
I always knew that this day would come, and I dreaded it, but I knew it was also my opportunity to express just how wonderful my mother was, and how much she will be missed.
She navigated the world in her own unique way. She didn’t care about formality, or protocol, although her upbringing meant she knew a lot about that. I have always thought that she knew what mattered – how someone felt, having fun, and enjoying the times when she could be carefree.
To that end, she was certainly a character with a fun-loving and mischievous sense of humor! My Aunt Madeline shared some fun stories with me recently about their times as sisters together when they were young. My Mom was a beautiful person inside and out – and apparently, she never had to carry her own books home from school, as there was always a boy hoping to catch her eye!
As a family, we are blessed to have had so many memories at Karina and Gary’s Camp on Lake Joe while Carter and Connor were young. She had a style that was uniquely her, and a so many little sayings. We lovingly came to call them Anne-isms – and I’m so glad we have these quotes – because they remind me of her, and our time together. We will never stop saying, “Many Hands” when it’s time to clean up after dinner, or say, ‘I’m Anne-ing’ when we text 10 photos of gardens and flowers to each other. She enjoyed the beauty of nature and plants so much – and she could get anything to grow!
Throughout my life, she seemed to be able to summon her kindness without fail, and I was always amazed at her patience. In my younger years, I used to think that she was too kind and too soft. I thought that people took advantage of her caring ways; I thought that she was vulnerable to the cruel words of others because of this. As an adult, I see now that she could be so kind, because she was so strong. Below her soft exterior was solid rock – pure Canadian Shield.
Her mantras were: be kind to others and be open to forgiveness. Build the bridge, mend the fence. Do what it takes to care for and preserve your relationships. Don’t be afraid to reach out first. If someone has been mean to you, try to be kind in return (I found this one particularly difficult!)
My Mom was someone who was always there for me. I have fond memories of her sneaking me out of school to go and get some new clothes for a high school dance (saying, ‘don’t tell your father!’), and for her sending me money each week without fail while I was away at school so I could buy groceries.
During my university years, my parents had gotten me a little Mustang so I could come home when I needed to. Their home always felt like a safe and nurturing place where I could decompress. I remember feeling so stressed one year that I drove home through a snowstorm for 12 hours – never getting out of the car. When I arrived on their doorstep, I saw my mom’s eyes light up, and she exclaimed, “Oh Eddy’s here!” That look when I surprised her was something so consistent and uniquely her, that I’ll cherish it forever. Even on the Saturday evening before her passing. She had called Parkland’s nursing office because she was feeling light-headed. They called EMS, and they took her to hospital. Parkland advised me and I went out to the hospital right away. Sometimes, in the past, this had happened and when I arrived, she was OK. I was able to just bring her home. This time, I arrived, and she was being attended to by the nurses behind a curtain. When they had finished caring for her, they pulled back the curtain and there was that look of surprise and happiness when she saw me – despite her blood oxygen and blood pressure both being too low. I stayed with her that evening, and she seemed to stabilize and managed to get some sleep. I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw her alive. We are thankful to have a final photo of her with a big smile, holding a beautiful bouquet on Valentine’s Day. Karina had made it a point to be her Valentine’s date every year since my dad’s passing in 2003 and they both enjoyed this tradition.
In the days since her passing, I’ve struggled to recall our last meal, our last laugh – had I been good enough to her? Had I done enough? I always tried to do my best – I know that in my heart. We are fortunate that Karina & Gary were able to include us in many wonderful family get-aways where we were able to connect as a family and enjoy the beauty of a wonderful, tropical destination together. These trips give us so many happy memories of our time together.
Over the last week, I’ve been managing the affairs of her estate, and in doing so I found a letter that she had written to herself (or for someone to find) in Sept 2003, and that she had tucked away in a safe place. It was written within a month of my fathers passing and she began the letter with the sentence, ‘I thought I should try to say who I am, name ideas to which I am committed, express my purpose in life…I’m here to know love, and serve God’. She said that after 39 years of marriage, she had found herself needing to relearn how to, ‘sail her own ship’ and she was beginning that process by reflecting on her life’s priorities: family, home, school and church with a love of music, nature, art and traveling. She had always been consistent.
Several years ago, when she still had good mobility, I took her out on Mothers Day and I asked her if there was anything that she really wanted to do, or to see. She thanked me for asking, and said she’d think it over – but when I asked her again, she said she was content.
In recent years, she had said that she was comfortable with death – that she was looking forward to being in heaven and seeing my dad, her mom and all of her barking Shelties again. She said, ‘I don’t know why I’m still here, but God must have something in mind for me to do!’ She was at peace with her life’s journey, and she accomplished what she had wanted to.
We are thankful for the years she had, and for the friends she connected with. She loved to work on her garden at the house on Folkway with her friend, Kathy and she took joy from playing with her last Sheltie, Chelsea with Elizabeth while in her condo on Kimbermount. Most recently we were hearing happy reports from her about the nice people that she met and was having lunch with at Parkland. We are grateful for the friendships she had, and for the kindness people showed her.
So here I find myself – 53, and without parents any longer. I have the blessings of what they taught me, and thankfully I remember the wisdom they shared.
My parents both helped me to achieve my dreams in life, and while that is good, it’s not as good as having had the dreams together with them.
Life is really about our journey together and helping each other.
When you think of Anne, I hope her memory also reminds you to have a little kindness and forgiveness in your heart, a bit of kooky fun in your step, and the foresight to help those you love to achieve their dreams in life.
We were just so lucky to have had her as our mom. She showed me the best way to live life and helped me more than I could ever say. I’ll miss her forever.
